Hello Rev, My husband of 12 years and I have been separated for 5 months since I discovered his infidelity. His first reaction was to blame me and to tell lies to cover his sins. His lies were eventually found out and our entire family and circle of friends now knows what he did. To make matters worse, the other woman was married. This is now 2 families effected by one adulterous relationship. My husband is a saved man who has fallen. Now this man has broken my heart and turned it cold. I asked God to keep my heart and release it back to my husband only after he truly repented and reconciled with him. He went forward at church for prayer and repented of his sins. I cried out of happiness, but noticed that he did not. This is unusual because I have seen my husband cry at the altar several times. He was emotionless this time. Cold. Though he says he takes full responsibility for his sin, he says I’m a jealous woman and my insecurity is my own problem. I smell fake repentance. Whenever I spend time with him I have nightmares. The Holy Spirit has not led me to bring him back home. My question is, is it wrong for me to try to decipher whether his repentance is genuine?

I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s infidelity. I’m sure it’s been very painful for you. It’s hard to know for sure how deep his repentance is since he seems to be blaming you at least in part. I wouldn’t judge his repentance at the altar based on “crying out for happiness”. He may still be experiencing guilt and being unable to forgive himself. I would continue to pray for him and see what the Holy Spirit will do and show you. No it isn’t wrong to want to know if his repentance is genuine. You will know it when you hear it. – Rev.

Dear Rev. Thank you for your timely response. I have considered what you said about my husband being unable to forgive himself and I know this is a possibility. I actually find myself feeling sorry for him because his selfishness has cost him his family. We all blow it sometimes. I think of King David and how he committed adultery and murder. This man repented when faced with what he had done. What troubles me is that my husband, supposedly a man of God, blamed me for his affair and told me that he needed her to feel like a man and told me that he would very likely cheat again because he liked the attention. He also refused counseling and anything I asked him to do to restore our marriage. He wanted to stay but he did not want to (a) repent and (b) return to church with his family. As a matter of fact, he told me that he wanted nothing to do with God or church.

I want other wives to know that God does hate divorce and encourages forgiveness and reconciliation, but when a husband is unfaithful it is up to him to go to God and repent. He must also pray for God to help him win his wife’s heart. It is not up to the wife to beg, nag or coerce her husband into loving her or restoring her honor. If he is truly repentant, he will voluntarily do those things plus more. He will hustle to win his woman back as if his life depends on it. He will put in more work than he did when he was courting you. This man will be desperate to show his love and his remorse. If you have to squint to see it, it ain’t there. If you have to guess at whether your husband is truly remorseful, if he is telling you what he won’t do to win you back, it is okay to let this man go. You are an honored wife, loved and protected by God. He sees what you are going through. If he is not softening your heart toward your husband you need to pray and ask Him why. Do not doubt your worth or lower your standards simply because you are afraid to be alone. You are never alone with God by your side.

I couldn’t agree with you more! Good advice.